some thoughts about the experience

I just had a wonderful chat with El about the show, the review and the first week. And then I read her blog and am reminded, yet again, how articulate and expressive she is....well, that all of you are (our dear Tonya, Mary and Adrienna). But it is Els vision, talent, incredible hard work that has launched this boat and keeps it afloat. And we must, none of us, ever forget that!!!!

Here are some of the good things that came out of this experience for me. The first day I read your Manifesto I wanted to weep, and I realized for the first time in probably 30 years that I was still healing from the baggage I grew up with surrounding sexuality. When I started to go through purberty I was regularly called a slut by my dear mother, who was probably terrified that I was becoming more sexual and a woman, and it was afterall the 60s and a lot of crazy shit was happening. Even though women were "liberated" that was not really the case, it was more like, you could get the pill or an abortion, or take a cure for any STD that you got- it was before AIDS, before the side effects from the pill were known, before the breast cancer epidemic, before abortion doctors were being killed... But for many us, being liberated just meant that men could expect more from us sexually before marriage but still call us sluts if we were as active sexually as they were.

So, anyway, when I started this project, I was thinking all that time about how I felt about what the women were performing, which then made me think about all the messages I grew up with and how they had shamed and humiliated me in my life. And it was really shocking to me to realize that even after a marriage, a child, lots of lovers and a lifetime of experiences.... that I was still carrying that baggage, the wounds, the hurt. Wow, I was really shocked. And as I heard the stories both onstage and off, I was realizing the deep and profound humanity of all people who want to be witnessed for who they really are, who want connection, to feel, to share, to really be seen. And I want all that too. So, I felt this deep love for people.

And even though I am a college professor, and I work with young people all the time, I rarely get to hear the inside part of the students lives - which is probably a good thing. And here I am hearing the inside lives of the cast, but not with shame expressing themselves with a kind of frankness that was so damn healthy. And being around that, made me feel healthy and more accepting of myself and of others.

And I also got to work in a totally new way, with a new process that was maddening at times but also exciting, and fun and demanding and scarey and very real. And I feel profoundly happy that I had this experience. And I am intensely proud of Eleanor and all of you for your courage, struggling to do your lives and this show at the same time.

For the last six months I have been thinking about starting a theatre company whose focus is on gender-gay, lesbian, straight, bi, trans, feminist and only do plays that address issues surrounding our understanding or lack of understanding about gender. It is therefore ironic that I should be invited to join this project, that Tim Stapleton's show is playing (also at IFCC) and that both are self created works that are speaking with a loud and important voice during a time when many theatre companies are making safer and cheaper choices to try and stay alive.

What a momentus thing to happen to me in my life. How can I really express how you all have rocked my world?